In the modern world of cell phone features, things have gone from normalcy to lunacy. You can watch television from your phone, or use it to track the whereabouts of your unfaithful, less than better half. Gone are the days when a phone’s primary use was for making calls. Why would someone want to limit their phone to such a primitive “phone-y-ness” when they can play video games, listen to MP3s, GPS themselves to the nearest Starbucks, or type in the code for the secret of life. Everyone knows that the true secret of life – or at least life in America– is to make everything easier.

So, with this in mind, I’ve written my own diatribe to this social phenomenon. Below is a list of the cell phone features of the future. These features will no doubt make the phones a must-have, but will also drop us further in to the excessive technological excrement that we’re already up to our necks in. It’s time to sink or swim.

iTutor - We knew this was coming; a day when students will look no further than their trusty cell phone to find the answer to that pesky pre-algebra predicament. It won’t be long until human teachers are replaced by electronic versions.

Cell-Cell - Been convicted of a crime? Well, in the near future there may be no worse penalty than having your phone privileges taken away. As it is, you already can’t talk on your phone while driving unless you have a hands-free device. The government has turned in to mommy telling you what you can and can’t do with your phone. And you’ll cry, cry, cry when you learn that you’re going to miss the season finale of Big Brother.

Portable Household Helper - You’ve found cobwebs in the corner of your ceiling? No problem. Just use your cell phone to vacuum them up. With the Portable Household Attachment to you cell phone, your phone’s power source can be used to power all kinds of helpful gadgets. You’ll be the king of home improvement and finally be your wife’s hero when you bust out your cell phone equipped with a power screwdriver, band saw, laser level, power drill and nail gun. But it’s perfect for her, too. The Portable Household Helper also comes in the pink “For Her” version which includes a spatula, power mixer, lint roller, hair curler, vanity mirror, and spray bottle which can hold hairspray or her favorite perfume.

Cell Quencher - Dehydrated feeling be gone with the new Cell Quencher. This remarkable product will receive so much critical praise it will have to be an “As seen on TV” product. This combination phone and drinking fountain will never, I repeat, never run out of water. Impossible, you say? The technology lies in the phone’s ability to suck condensation from the atmosphere throughout the night while you’re sound asleep. The water passes through a five-step filtration process as you drink it, giving you the cleanest drinking water on the planet. This is important, because by this time, there will be no clean water left. The greatest part of this phone is that due to Cell Quencher’s popularity, some areas will have clear skies year round. Now if only it could reverse global warming instead of contribute to it.

MyCougarFinder - Having trouble identifying cougars, or finding an escape route? Your days are no longer numbered if your phone is equipped with MyCougarFinder. This nifty little device senses cougar pheromones and will give you the precise location of any desperate cougars in the area. Not only will it locate cougars with pin-point accuracy, but will also alert you when they’re on the move. Staying one step ahead of the hunter is key for your survival, and MyCougarFinder will keep you in the bush for another day.

DUI No More - Too much of an alcoholic to avoid the Jager Bombs on the way home from work? Not a problem. DUI No More is a new phone attachment that will not only take your BAC through a breathalyzer tube, but will lull you to sleep if you’re too drunk to safely operate a motor vehicle. Praised by police worldwide as the one true way to stop drunk driving forever, the DUI No More will lower the highway fatality rate by 34 percent the year it’s released. What’s more, the DUI No More will act as a breath freshener all night. That is, until you’re behind the wheel and over the limit. That’s when you say nighty-night, sweet prince.

Little Mister Know-It-All – Ever need to know how to crochet a blanket? How about milking a goat? You’ll find the answers to these and many other of life’s important questions when you add Little Mister Know-It-All to your phone. It’s pretty annoying, actually, because its True Voice Technology™ answers your question in a mockingly condescending tone. There will be nothing more irritating than your phone showing you up in front of your date for not knowing the lira conversion rate. Try talking back and you’ll be sent home crying since Little Mister Know-It-All is equipped with put-down recognition and distribution software.

All these advancements in cell phone technology will make some purists run for the hills, but to no avail. Phones of the future will sync-up to the chips embedded in your brain, leaving you defenseless to their powers. They will track, locate, and annoy you until you claw your eyes out. Phones of the future will make life easier, work efficiently, answer all of life’s questions, and give you an overall feeling of inadequacy. As a matter of fact, soon after these phones are invented humans will be used as nothing more than a power source for them; rendering us as merely a vessel for a little piece of plastic we invented in the first place.